dixy land

What a
Beauty, he told her
stroked her hair, held
her hand, touched her
cheek.
promised the air, the dirt
all to her
over and over
and over
again
until finally,
she believed him.

but make no
mistake,
there was never any single
simple
thing about it
set in stone.
it was always
up
and
d
o
w
n
with them, like
the all of us

and we believed
because it
was all we could do;
we believed
because
we so longed
to

at least, until he
left, saying
“you’ve lost
every bit
of  what I
ever
loved in you”

“Mark my words” you said, “you will be something grand someday, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

And I believed you.

Is procrastinating really so bad? Yes in terms of my future success, but no in terms of my sanity. Just give me a break, I’m trying to make sense of this! This isn’t the kind of thing a girl like me can quickly get over.

I baked my  first chocolate cake ever and forgot to take a picture. What the hell has happened to me?

It almost feels like a betrayal, a sin even. Although I don’t know if I could take it that far. After all, we sin because we believe in it, right?

(There’s a shadow over us now, and I can no longer see his eyes)

There is simply no consistency when it comes to me – for a long time now. We could even say the only consistent thing is actually inconsistency itself. I need some sporadic-ness please! Yes, consistency is getting old. Everything is getting old.

Like staying up until 1:44 a.m wasting time before finally beginning to study for tomorrow’s final. And like waking up, going to school, going to work, coming home, getting online and repeating it all the next day. And like saying goodnight to someone on the phone then laying awake in bed for hours.

Yes everything around here is starting to feel so overwhelmingly old.

Oh, yes, I do remember the days of sleepless summer nights, thank you very much. I mean, come on, I may be gone but I’m not that gone. I should be insulted! But I’m only annoyed.

And nah, we’re not alone in this world. We may be alone in this life, but we are not alone in this world! The quicker you get that through your thick skull the better.

See, what I always liked about you best was that you were never a phase.

Didn’t you all know this mattered to me once? So much.

I’m clueless as to why she would leave me watching her stuff while she goes across the street to buy/eat lunch when she doesn’t even know me.

Is it that I look and come off as trustworthy? Hm, probably not. In fact, it’s probably that I come off as someone who’s very afraid. You know, too much of a coward to get up, walk to her stuff, get her laptop and make a run for it.

Who knows.

The way my friend uses guys is making me wish I was not associated with her at all. I somehow eventually end up feeling this way about most people I know.

…And it’s not like I want to see her dead, I just want to see her fall.

Say hello to Patrick, the second of of our plush-children,wearing Scott’s new cute emoesque glasses! He’s a cutie and I miss him, but he’s keeping Scott company in Illinois while we’re far apart.

Is it September 19th yet?

Guess which one I am? The girl of course, but only after arguing over it for like ten minutes. (Kidding!) He thinks he makes a prettier girl than me though. (Not kidding! And he totally does, I have proof) but I know how to make my outfits match better so pffft.

 Some photos taken by Scott in West Texas.

 

And a few taken by me while on a mission for new glasses & cheap drugs to Juarez, Chihuaha, Mexico. Apparently there’s a lot of angry people there right now, people are dying and there’s soldiers with assault rifles everywhere. Still an amazing city to photograph though, as always,

Peace.

I suppose that in theory, I should be afraid of descending into big black holes like this one. And I am afraid, really, in theory, but it’s funny how when you’re actually there following a path that was built for you, and when you’re surrounded by people also descending into this big black hole it really seems like no big deal.

Sort of.

Yes yes yes. Wait, what? We keep trying to kid ourselves with these questions and observations!

I know you’re smart, but please stop trying to over-analyze all the details that aren’t there!

[Cross posted from my livejournal. Just wanted this on here]

I could stop and try to list every way in which my life has changed in the past year, or in the past six months alone. I could mention small changes in tiny details that no one else probably ever spends the time or energy needed to notice. Not this time, though. This time, instead of being unable to stop thinking about the past it is thoughts of the present, and of the future that just keep swirling and swirling around.

The more I think of excuses and explanations for my behavior, the more it angers me. I cannot blame the way in which my mother protected and sheltered me as a child for my inability to reach certain levels of independence today. I cannot blame my “personality type” or “the life I’ve lived, the things I’ve experienced” and much less the “way I was raised” for my insufferable fear of ‘growing up.’

What do I mean by this, growing up?

I mean being my own representative. I mean getting things done for myself and not hoping or expecting that someone else do them for me.
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Home? I miss the mountains the most. But these houses and these trees and these skies are comforting, too. The Midwest is absolutely beautiful. I’ve never enjoyed walks so much in my life! (and I have always enjoyed walks a LOT) It really helps to be with the right person, walking, swinging, stopping in the middle of the street and kissing. Wait, whoa. Let’s back up for a minute. This is life? This is really my life? One thing after the other, life seems to be getting better and better. I’m not so lost on this road anymore. And we’ll just keep on and on until we reach the sea. And then we’ll go swimming and let all the jellyfish bite us to pieces!

Small and blurry, SMALL and b l u r r y. It’s nice sometimes. We were quite far away though. The middle looks like something’ exploding (a life maybe?) The lights don’t look so desperate, in fact, almost peaceful. Peaceful. Yeah, that’s pretty much what this feels like lately.

This guy agrees! He’s the most interesting thing I met that night. But I’ve yet to give him a name.